What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do?
A couple of years ago, I watched all 6 seasons of Sex & the City nearly back to back with the man who was my partner at the time. I asked Freddie (who just recently became my "ex")this question: "If I were one of the girls on Sex & the City, which one would I be?" I wanted him to respond by telling me that I would be Carrie Bradshaw, the character played by Sarah Jessica Parker. You see, she is my favorite. She's artsy with just a bit of an edge. She'll spend her rent money on a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes and not bat an eye. She's madly in love with Mr. Big, but she continues to try her hand at making other romances work. And, she writes a fabulous column which is the show's namesake. I love Carrie Bradshaw. I want to be the "gay guy" version of Carrie Bradshaw.
Much to my dismay, he told me that I reminded him of Charlotte, the prudish WASP who desires nothing more than to fall madly in love with Mr. Right and live in the Hamptons in a beautiful home with a white picket fence. In one episode, Charlotte was espousing the principles of The Rules, a book that came out in the mid-nineties and purported to contain the secrets a woman should know to "catch a husband and live happily ever after." I was mortified... I could handle being Miranda, the strong independent woman and successful attorney, or even Samantha, the buxom, blonde bombshell and self-proclaimed slut. Anyone but Charlotte... Why Charlotte?
This conversation may have easily remained in the archives of my mind gathering dust, brought out only as a humorous anecdote to share with friends now and again. It may have been entirely forgotten save for one interesting development in my life. I'm single again. Well...I'm sort of single, I guess. About a month ago, my partner (ex-partner I suppose...just can't get used to that yet) and I decided that our romantic relationship was not working. We both confessed that we just weren't happy maintaining the status quo, and we came to the conclusion that we needed to disolve our partnership. However, rents being what they are in San Francisco, we also resolved to continue to live together as roommates, at least temporarily. And...we have also decided to remain friends and continue to do things socially. We'll have dinner and a movie with mutual friends tomorrow night. We gay men are such unusual creatures!
I'm single again... I feel this need to repeat it, so it will sink in. I woke up this morning and had coffee with Freddie. I walked our dog, Butch, (technically his dog) and went to work. This evening we went for sushi like we have every Friday night for the past year or longer. We made pleasant conversation and came home to watch some TV and start the weekend. On Sunday, we'll most likely join our friend, Ragina, for Sunday brunch like we always have... But, I'm single again. I don't feel single. When Freddie and I are together, we don't look single. Yet, that's what we are. Two single, gay men who used to be partners living together in the same apartment, cooking and cleaning together, caring for the same dog, and sleeping together...just not sleeping together. I know, it's confusing.
Today it struck me that I should think about dating. I know, it's only been a month since we broke-up. And yet, I feel oddly ready to move on. It's like it was over before it was officially over, and I've mourned the loss of the romance and love relationship. There was no bitter divorce to weather, no fits or rages, no tears, no shouting...just a comfortable end, like blowing out a candle. Sure, there were things that really didn't work, ways we took each other for granted, and hurts that we just can't seem to heal. But overall, there's a friendship and that sense of family, something that many gay men have a hard time achieving. For now, that's worth saving... But, what about dating??? What would Carrie Bradshaw do?
I'm not sure how this dating thing is supposed to work anymore. And, I certainly don't know how one dates when he's still living with his ex-partner, who seems more like a big brother than an ex-lover. (See...we gay men are complicated!)What do I say to a potential date when he asks about my living situation? Worse yet, what do I tell my roommate/ex-partner when I'm going out after work and won't be home for dinner? I placed an ad on Match.com...but only after perusing as many of the ads as I could to make sure that my ex-partner had not placed an ad AND to check for any mutual friends who might find the ad and "blow the whistle." (Is that an expression a gay man should use?)My friend, Nancy, has already tried to fix me up on a blind date. She means well. And, my mom has let me know that I should lose a bit of weight and get in shape. It's a pretty daunting prospect--dating at age 39.
So...What would Carrie Bradshaw do?
Well, I'm not Carrie Bradshaw, but here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to work on truly loving myself without condition before I choose to give my heart to another. I'm going to take the time to not only search my soul but to nurture it as well, so that I know what I have to offer another man. I'm going to spend more time with my friends and family because they are the people who make sure I have a soft place to land. And, I'm going to stop worrying about love and romance... This time around, I'm going to let my "Mr. Big" find me!
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